November 09, 2009

Nickelback Trivia

Coming up to one month ago a nice guy by the name of Kevin posted a video featuring all the Wikipedia vandalism of Nickelback’s page on, which you can view here (WARNING: Video contains foul language, homophobia, racial slurs, and Nickelback music). Well, at about 17 seconds into the video there is a list of ‘Nickelback Trivia’, which the video says goes on for a while. While, the first few proved entertaining enough to inspire me to put on my investigative reporter hat and drudge my way through the Wikipedia page history for Nickelback. This actually proved to be a relatively easy task as the video shows the date (June 16, 2006) that the page was vandalised. Having found it and read it, I think that there a good handful of decent ‘facts’ and since it is obvious that the author put a fair amount of time and effort into writing this list, it should not be lost forever.This list actually reminds me a lot of the Chuck Norris meme, but not quite as funny. So below is the full list of facts. All 42 of them.

Nickelback facts:

- Historians used to agree the Crusades were the most prolonged suffering in human history, until Nickel back released a second single.

- The vacuum created by Nickleback's sucking has more force than a black hole.

- The war in Iraq is the result of Nickelback

- Nickelback is so bad they retroactively caused the assassination of Abraham Lincoln and JFK

- Chad and Mike Kroeger's parents had no children who lived

- In order to make Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle seem to suck less they included Nickelback on the soundtrack

- Nickleback has only ever written the music to one song, they keep changing the lyrics to it

- Prolonged exposure to Nickelback's music has been known to cause unintentional mullet growth

- Though God promised never to end the world with a flood again if he were to solely because of the existence of Nickleback could you blame him?

- In the southern hemisphere Nickleback's suck rotates counter clockwise

- The popularity of Nickelback is a conspiracy by the Bush administration in order to have someone worse than themselves in the spotlight

- Congress has recently passed legislation that the word Nickelback will now replace the word atrocity in the English language

- The United Nations has now adopted the universal word for toilet to be Nickleback, in other words if you visit a foreign country and need a bathroom you will be able to ask, regardless of the native language, where is a Nickelback.

- Nickelback, and everyone thought Limp Bizkit was as bad as it got.

- Korn will now be putting a disclaimer label on all of their CD's, it will read: "At least we are not Nickelback" The rest of the record industry is thinking about doing the same, in order to stimulate the Nickelback induced slump of CD sales

- Downloading a Nickelback song is considered downloading a computer virus

- Downloading Nickelback songs takes twice as long as regular ones because you are fighting against the suck

- Doctors are considering changing the name of haemorrhoids to Nickelback

- Chad Kroger once did a duet with the fat guy from Saliva, proving that he could suck on his own as well as with the band

- Should Nickelback perish in a plane crash, choke on their own vomit, experience a drug overdose of one or all members the collective music press has decided that it should be treated as a reason to celebrate, Don McLean has a comeback song on deck for just such an event the chorus will go "The day the suck died"

- Broken vacuums can be fixed simply by playing Nickelback to them

- Evolution is now being debated by our culture because Nickleback has actually caused it to De-evolve

- Nickelback tried out to be the soundtrack for hell, but even the Devil felt it caused to much suffering

- A Harvard Study showed after 5 minutes of exposure to Nickelback an average person loses 5 IQ points and feels compelled to move into a mobile home

- Nickelback's songs are so generic that when played backwards they sound exactly the same

- When Chad sings "Oh God I. . .I" it is not written in the music, it is because he is in pain from making his own music

- When questioned whether or not they would rather have their their sentences commuted yet be forced to listen to one Nickleback song per day 95% of death row inmates chose the needle (The other 5% had been executed before the question was asked)

- Republicans and Democrats, the right and the left, now finally have an issue they can come together on, Nickelback sucks

- The Iraqi insurgency doesn't necessarily want America out of Iraq, they just don't want us to make it safe for Nickelback to play there

- A prosecutor once suggested Nickelback music as a punishment for murder, the judge called it cruel and unusual and threw the case out

- A disclaimer was sent out by Nickelback's record label urging radio to avoid playing more than one song by Nickelback per hour, saying prolonged exposure did nothing to a person physically but made listeners wish it did so that the music would end sooner

- America wants to close the border with Canada, only to keep Nickelback out

- Canada, by comparison, is always given as an example of how good America could be, they created Nickleback. I think we will stick with poor healthcare and a hyperactive media, just for the prevention of another Nickelback

- Is it just me or does Nickelback's fifteen minutes of fame seem to be dragging on and on and on. . .

- When their fifteen minutes are up and they are playing the grandstand at the local fair won't it be a new low in carnival entertainment?

- Nickleback's "Behind the Music" will be studied for ages by physicists and astronomers to see how such an incredible vacuum was created

- Nickelback makes people miss the cold war, the threat of looming Armageddon seems necessary in a world where their music gets airplay

- If Nickelback is ever rushed to the emergency room the doctor treating will have an ethical dilemma like no other, does one treat someone who's life will continue to cause the suffering of countless others?

-The Chinese still practice communism only to control the free speech of Nickelback

- Nickelback must be segregated from the other CD's in the sales bins, any CD stored close to a Nickelback CD will immediately begin to suck

- A recent survey showed that even the deaf know that Nickelback sucks

- Chad Kroger is considered mentally challenged in 6 countries based solely on appearance

To help show your hatred of Nickelback then you can join this group here.
Or if, conversely, you love Nickelback, you can join this group here, and help them reach their goal. Only 68,931 people to go. Good luck!

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